March 30, 2003
I went on a date last night. I had a good time. I met the girl online. I had seen a head shot of her but, I have to admit she was much cuter in person. I didn't have high expectations, and I wasn't sure if it was really a date.
As it turns out she had fun but doesn't think we're a "match" . I'm not sure what that means but it has put up a barrier. How can I ask her out now? I don't know how to approach her because any future date feels like it's been a predetermined failure. I can't help but wonder what it was about me. It would be nice if she'd tell me what's wrong.. ya know something simple.. "you're to fat" , "to boring", "I think you're a dork", "to forward" or "I read your blog and I think you're crazy".
Of course she didn't say any of these things.. I got no signs that I was making her uncomfortable, but now that I think about it I don't know if I'd want to go out with me again either. I didn't really sound that intelligent and probably looked like an idiot. To me she seemed like some one I could get along with and at the very least be a good friend. I really don't feel like I know her well enough to make the call about wether or not we are a "match". I didn't really expect to like her that much before I met her, but getting into the date I found myself somewhat attracted to her. She's cute, very friendly, doesn't smoke. etc. The big thing is that I didn't know what her expectations going into the date were, and I don't know how she perceived me once we met. I'm thinking maybe I should have tried harder at first, or maybe backed off a little later. I have to admit I became a bit nervous during the middle of the date. As I've already stated I didn't expect much from this date.. in the end I guess that's what I got.
As it turns out she had fun but doesn't think we're a "match" . I'm not sure what that means but it has put up a barrier. How can I ask her out now? I don't know how to approach her because any future date feels like it's been a predetermined failure. I can't help but wonder what it was about me. It would be nice if she'd tell me what's wrong.. ya know something simple.. "you're to fat" , "to boring", "I think you're a dork", "to forward" or "I read your blog and I think you're crazy".
Of course she didn't say any of these things.. I got no signs that I was making her uncomfortable, but now that I think about it I don't know if I'd want to go out with me again either. I didn't really sound that intelligent and probably looked like an idiot. To me she seemed like some one I could get along with and at the very least be a good friend. I really don't feel like I know her well enough to make the call about wether or not we are a "match". I didn't really expect to like her that much before I met her, but getting into the date I found myself somewhat attracted to her. She's cute, very friendly, doesn't smoke. etc. The big thing is that I didn't know what her expectations going into the date were, and I don't know how she perceived me once we met. I'm thinking maybe I should have tried harder at first, or maybe backed off a little later. I have to admit I became a bit nervous during the middle of the date. As I've already stated I didn't expect much from this date.. in the end I guess that's what I got.
March 25, 2003
It's spring. The grass is green, and the women are.... I don't know how to put it but there are beautiful women everywhere. They were here two weeks ago sure, but so was the grass.
I swear, every stinking space bar on every terminal in the East Campus Union is busted. Typing this is a bit of chore.
I've been meaning to update this thing for a few days now. A week ago, while I was home for spring break, I found out that my best friend from High School was trying to contact me. I never got a call from him but I'm not sure he was given the correct number. Anyway, I called up his parents and got his cell number, and I gave him a call. This female voice answered... I responded with "uh..." then asked for my friend..not sure I had the right number. I immediately asked about the woman who answered, it was his fiance. This is why he wanted to contact me. he's engaged. (again) I'm gonna be a groomsman (yay) Though.. he said "I'll be needing your assistance" he didn't flat out ask me to be a groomsman this time.. I hope I can get it out of him...I really don't want to assume.... being the sneaky person I am I said "Oh cool, I'll have to rent a tux." He replied that no one will be wearing tuxedos. (except him, maybe) This sounds about his style... I absolutely must find me a hat and some imitation raybans to go with it. I haven't really talked to the guy in nearly two years. Over the last 5 years (since we've been out of high school) he has changed some what... (well we all have) I hope he hasn't changed too much... If he's more or less the same guy he won't have any problem what-so-ever if I show up to his wedding looking like "Joliet Jake". I think that I really should loose some weight by then..the wedding is in September. and I'll think about growing some side burns.. ya know to go with the whole blues brother look.
One thing that this new fiance has in common with the last one is that she has a baby from a previous relationship. To me I would steer away fearful of "excess baggage" but not my friend. To him, he loves the idea of the house, wife, 2.3 kids, dog, 2 car garage yada yada yada. He's happy this way, and I think he's more than capable of being a good father. Right now he's living in a house, with his fiance, the little one, and his younger brother (still doing the pre-law thing at UNOmaha). He's working at BW3s, and has no free time (apparently). He and I seriously need to catch up on things this summer.
This morning when driving to my first class on East Campus, my Jeep wouldn't start. It was odd. . After checking to be sure I didn't leave something on to drain the battery, I popped the hood.. gave the computer a good whack, lowered the hood, and got back into the jeep. It started right up. This has happened once before.. last time it happened was a couple of months ago when my parent's were visiting me here in Lincoln. No, I'm not really that knowledgeable about cars, I just did what my dad did the last time and suggested I do if the problem reoccurred. Hey he's the mechanic. Everything seems to be running fine now. I think it'd be really interesting if this ever happened when I was out on a date... I bet it'd impress the girl too.. ya know make the car go with a technical tap :).
I swear, every stinking space bar on every terminal in the East Campus Union is busted. Typing this is a bit of chore.
I've been meaning to update this thing for a few days now. A week ago, while I was home for spring break, I found out that my best friend from High School was trying to contact me. I never got a call from him but I'm not sure he was given the correct number. Anyway, I called up his parents and got his cell number, and I gave him a call. This female voice answered... I responded with "uh..." then asked for my friend..not sure I had the right number. I immediately asked about the woman who answered, it was his fiance. This is why he wanted to contact me. he's engaged. (again) I'm gonna be a groomsman (yay) Though.. he said "I'll be needing your assistance" he didn't flat out ask me to be a groomsman this time.. I hope I can get it out of him...I really don't want to assume.... being the sneaky person I am I said "Oh cool, I'll have to rent a tux." He replied that no one will be wearing tuxedos. (except him, maybe) This sounds about his style... I absolutely must find me a hat and some imitation raybans to go with it. I haven't really talked to the guy in nearly two years. Over the last 5 years (since we've been out of high school) he has changed some what... (well we all have) I hope he hasn't changed too much... If he's more or less the same guy he won't have any problem what-so-ever if I show up to his wedding looking like "Joliet Jake". I think that I really should loose some weight by then..the wedding is in September. and I'll think about growing some side burns.. ya know to go with the whole blues brother look.
One thing that this new fiance has in common with the last one is that she has a baby from a previous relationship. To me I would steer away fearful of "excess baggage" but not my friend. To him, he loves the idea of the house, wife, 2.3 kids, dog, 2 car garage yada yada yada. He's happy this way, and I think he's more than capable of being a good father. Right now he's living in a house, with his fiance, the little one, and his younger brother (still doing the pre-law thing at UNOmaha). He's working at BW3s, and has no free time (apparently). He and I seriously need to catch up on things this summer.
This morning when driving to my first class on East Campus, my Jeep wouldn't start. It was odd. . After checking to be sure I didn't leave something on to drain the battery, I popped the hood.. gave the computer a good whack, lowered the hood, and got back into the jeep. It started right up. This has happened once before.. last time it happened was a couple of months ago when my parent's were visiting me here in Lincoln. No, I'm not really that knowledgeable about cars, I just did what my dad did the last time and suggested I do if the problem reoccurred. Hey he's the mechanic. Everything seems to be running fine now. I think it'd be really interesting if this ever happened when I was out on a date... I bet it'd impress the girl too.. ya know make the car go with a technical tap :).
March 16, 2003
I'm "back"
Where did I go? where was that strange place... this odd world void of intelligent life. I don't know. I guess the important thing is that I'm feeling back to normal now. While I'm in this workable state I think I'll give a call to the campus health center and see if I'm good for a free psychological screening.. Ok ok, now I those of you who know me well are going to start feeling my forehead to make sure I'm not delirious from fever. Well, there seems to be a pattern here and I'd like to see if there is anything I can do about it.. I don't trust psychological therapists, and I certainly don't like the humanistic approach to behavior modification. Hell, my current problems stem from such nonsense. I ranted about it once already.. so I won't again,.. but to summarize, I saw the guy without being informed of why I was there, he (apparently) tried to boost my self esteem, he called me a good person, and he called me Dennis. (no, my name is not Dennis). Today I was thinking.. ... thinking that I never learned how to interact with other human beings. Most people pick this sort of thing up in high school. I did not however. There were never more than 21 people in my class.. and I graduated with only 19. Yes, it's a small village. I've been told that in a larger school, you are more apt to find people you can interact with. Anyway, I was trying to evaluate myself as a social being and see if I could get my self back on the right track. I'm really not sure where to begin.. I guess FJ has a new project.
My physical self is in Beemer this evening. It's spring break at good ol' Nebraska U. This will be an excellent oppertunity to get some serious work done. Not only on my school work but hopefully on my server as well. I tried setting up A and MX DNS records on the Public DNS about two weeks ago. I saved my changes and decided to call it a night. Some time later I found that I could not log in. The only way to change the pass word is to e-mail the administrators of the Public DNS and ask that they reset the password. That's quite a pain in the butt. I haven't heard back from them. So, I have a "zone" record saved but not uploaded.. meaning that the DNS info for the server isn't online yet. ( I'm still new to this DNS stuff) I went to the registrars website and pointed it in the right direction so hopefully I can get that working soon. A bigger dilemma is that in 6 weeks I'm moving and my server will have to go down. Having the web server down isn't so bad, but If I bring up the e-mail server and start using it, well it can't go down. What I really want to do, is get a couple of old Macs and set them up as backup mail servers using the Apple internet mail server. It's what we used when I was in high school and make one nifty POP server. Getting the Macs and the ethernet connectors is actually the easy part. The hard part is finding a place to hook these puppies up.. I wish my parents had DSL. I guess I'll just have to wait.
Also in about as many weeks, my cousin is getting married. This is the cousin that is two months younger than me to the day. He's also the one that was badly burned a couple months ago as I mentioned in my blog. (he has recovered very well). Anyway, this wedding is the same weekend I move out of the dorm. bleah! The last thing I need is a wedding to worry about. My brother is going to be a groomsman. Interesting, considering my brother is two years younger. After about the 5th grade my cousin and I were a lot less close and he and my brother became closer. It's a combination of several things, lack of maturity, and common interests, to start. I'm really not looking forward to this wedding. I'm going to feel out of place... That's kind of pathetic.. when you feel out of place with your own family. ......Also in family my parent's 25th wedding anniversary is coming up in April .. today my brother came home from his job.. no one else was around and he told me about what he had planned. He reserved the ballroom, and told me I'm in charge of getting the music. bleah.
Ok time for a bit of perplexing irony. I was just lounging around when my brother came into the room, I was half asleep. He said something to me and I replied with "huh?" He began to walk away, realizing he thought I wasn't listening, I said "I didn't hear." so he turns to me and tells me what's up. The he says I have to get the [hafdmrahum{ I say, "the what?" He replies "Get the music, you gotta find out what kind of music to get and download it" I look at him, put my left arm out, (palm up) then take my right hand, make a "b" hand shape and rotate my wrist back and forth above my 'elbowpit', and I say "music". He replies by putting his arm out and then takes his other hand and limply hits hit opposite shoulder with it. I'm not going to forget his comment "I'm not gonna learn sign language, you can read lips." jerkface. When my hearing is completely gone and reading lips isn't enough it will be his loss.
My mom says that my speech is a bit slurred at times. This has been my number one worst fear for the last couple years. For those of you who don't know, speech is not like riding a bike. With out even thinking about it you mold your speech to mimic those around you, this is where accents come from, and why accents can come and go... well I may be picking up an accent. I don't' know how else to describe it.
My youngest brother is the only one in my family that shows any interest in learning sign in any form. The mind of a 10 year old is an amazing thing. Very open at times, and very illogical and closed at others. I don't think he fully understands why I'm learning sign. That's not a bad thing... When you're in the 5th grade, the world is beyond description. What happens to all of us....
Where did I go? where was that strange place... this odd world void of intelligent life. I don't know. I guess the important thing is that I'm feeling back to normal now. While I'm in this workable state I think I'll give a call to the campus health center and see if I'm good for a free psychological screening.. Ok ok, now I those of you who know me well are going to start feeling my forehead to make sure I'm not delirious from fever. Well, there seems to be a pattern here and I'd like to see if there is anything I can do about it.. I don't trust psychological therapists, and I certainly don't like the humanistic approach to behavior modification. Hell, my current problems stem from such nonsense. I ranted about it once already.. so I won't again,.. but to summarize, I saw the guy without being informed of why I was there, he (apparently) tried to boost my self esteem, he called me a good person, and he called me Dennis. (no, my name is not Dennis). Today I was thinking.. ... thinking that I never learned how to interact with other human beings. Most people pick this sort of thing up in high school. I did not however. There were never more than 21 people in my class.. and I graduated with only 19. Yes, it's a small village. I've been told that in a larger school, you are more apt to find people you can interact with. Anyway, I was trying to evaluate myself as a social being and see if I could get my self back on the right track. I'm really not sure where to begin.. I guess FJ has a new project.
My physical self is in Beemer this evening. It's spring break at good ol' Nebraska U. This will be an excellent oppertunity to get some serious work done. Not only on my school work but hopefully on my server as well. I tried setting up A and MX DNS records on the Public DNS about two weeks ago. I saved my changes and decided to call it a night. Some time later I found that I could not log in. The only way to change the pass word is to e-mail the administrators of the Public DNS and ask that they reset the password. That's quite a pain in the butt. I haven't heard back from them. So, I have a "zone" record saved but not uploaded.. meaning that the DNS info for the server isn't online yet. ( I'm still new to this DNS stuff) I went to the registrars website and pointed it in the right direction so hopefully I can get that working soon. A bigger dilemma is that in 6 weeks I'm moving and my server will have to go down. Having the web server down isn't so bad, but If I bring up the e-mail server and start using it, well it can't go down. What I really want to do, is get a couple of old Macs and set them up as backup mail servers using the Apple internet mail server. It's what we used when I was in high school and make one nifty POP server. Getting the Macs and the ethernet connectors is actually the easy part. The hard part is finding a place to hook these puppies up.. I wish my parents had DSL. I guess I'll just have to wait.
Also in about as many weeks, my cousin is getting married. This is the cousin that is two months younger than me to the day. He's also the one that was badly burned a couple months ago as I mentioned in my blog. (he has recovered very well). Anyway, this wedding is the same weekend I move out of the dorm. bleah! The last thing I need is a wedding to worry about. My brother is going to be a groomsman. Interesting, considering my brother is two years younger. After about the 5th grade my cousin and I were a lot less close and he and my brother became closer. It's a combination of several things, lack of maturity, and common interests, to start. I'm really not looking forward to this wedding. I'm going to feel out of place... That's kind of pathetic.. when you feel out of place with your own family. ......Also in family my parent's 25th wedding anniversary is coming up in April .. today my brother came home from his job.. no one else was around and he told me about what he had planned. He reserved the ballroom, and told me I'm in charge of getting the music. bleah.
Ok time for a bit of perplexing irony. I was just lounging around when my brother came into the room, I was half asleep. He said something to me and I replied with "huh?" He began to walk away, realizing he thought I wasn't listening, I said "I didn't hear." so he turns to me and tells me what's up. The he says I have to get the [hafdmrahum{ I say, "the what?" He replies "Get the music, you gotta find out what kind of music to get and download it" I look at him, put my left arm out, (palm up) then take my right hand, make a "b" hand shape and rotate my wrist back and forth above my 'elbowpit', and I say "music". He replies by putting his arm out and then takes his other hand and limply hits hit opposite shoulder with it. I'm not going to forget his comment "I'm not gonna learn sign language, you can read lips." jerkface. When my hearing is completely gone and reading lips isn't enough it will be his loss.
My mom says that my speech is a bit slurred at times. This has been my number one worst fear for the last couple years. For those of you who don't know, speech is not like riding a bike. With out even thinking about it you mold your speech to mimic those around you, this is where accents come from, and why accents can come and go... well I may be picking up an accent. I don't' know how else to describe it.
My youngest brother is the only one in my family that shows any interest in learning sign in any form. The mind of a 10 year old is an amazing thing. Very open at times, and very illogical and closed at others. I don't think he fully understands why I'm learning sign. That's not a bad thing... When you're in the 5th grade, the world is beyond description. What happens to all of us....
March 08, 2003
I want to escape.
March 06, 2003
Wow.
Lately I have been ill. Not physically, that I can tell, but mentally. Once in a while I'll get into a weird funk or depression, it goes for about 3 weeks then one day I tend to snap out of it. I think I'm snapping out of it today but it's tough. Some times my grades suffer a bit while I'm not myself. This semester has been no exception. I fear I may not pass (get a C or better) in one of my courses. This is bad, if I don't get at least a C I'll have to retake the damn thing. If I get less than a D I'll probably end up dropping out of school. (or something) This really sucks and In a weird way I'm kicking myself. The odd thing was that for some reason I was in this bizarre state... my mind just wasn't working. I remember very little about the last month. I got virtually nothing accomplished. I was aware that something wasn't right but as in the past I had no idea what to do about it. The things I tried seemed to be of little help. I had no ambition, no motivation, my head would go spinning whenever I tried to concentrate on a task. I think I have a serious problem. Lately I have had no will to live. I'm not saying I'm suicidal (maybe I'm just too lazy) but I really could not care less if I lapsed into a coma and never woke up. Again, I never had the ambition or desire or thought to induce such a thing, but at the same time I felt I just as well may be dead.
Even this afternoon, I feel a bit odd. I look at my life and things appear off track. I can't really put my finger on what's wrong and I don't really have any motivation to improve my life. I still don't really have that much ambition... and things still seem pointless.
Lately I have been ill. Not physically, that I can tell, but mentally. Once in a while I'll get into a weird funk or depression, it goes for about 3 weeks then one day I tend to snap out of it. I think I'm snapping out of it today but it's tough. Some times my grades suffer a bit while I'm not myself. This semester has been no exception. I fear I may not pass (get a C or better) in one of my courses. This is bad, if I don't get at least a C I'll have to retake the damn thing. If I get less than a D I'll probably end up dropping out of school. (or something) This really sucks and In a weird way I'm kicking myself. The odd thing was that for some reason I was in this bizarre state... my mind just wasn't working. I remember very little about the last month. I got virtually nothing accomplished. I was aware that something wasn't right but as in the past I had no idea what to do about it. The things I tried seemed to be of little help. I had no ambition, no motivation, my head would go spinning whenever I tried to concentrate on a task. I think I have a serious problem. Lately I have had no will to live. I'm not saying I'm suicidal (maybe I'm just too lazy) but I really could not care less if I lapsed into a coma and never woke up. Again, I never had the ambition or desire or thought to induce such a thing, but at the same time I felt I just as well may be dead.
Even this afternoon, I feel a bit odd. I look at my life and things appear off track. I can't really put my finger on what's wrong and I don't really have any motivation to improve my life. I still don't really have that much ambition... and things still seem pointless.
