April 29, 2003
I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself today. The last couple days I've come to realize that I screwed up bad. I will undoubtably fail one of my classes this semester (I hope I don't fail more than one but it won't matter much if I fail my Psych class because I realy want to change my minor to something other than psychology now anyway. I mean why just pick something I can do? Why not pick something I can enjoy. If I can't take ASL as a minor (or something very similar) I'll give film studies a shot. I'm reluctant to try film studies as a minor. I think I'll enjoy it but getting into some of the classes I'll need will be a real pain. Also, I'll be starting fresh. though I've only completed one psych class so I'm in about the same boat there. Without going into too much detail I'm realy going to be hurting for money from here on out. I plan to work this summer scrap up as much cash as i can and take things from there. My parent's have no idea that I'm going to fail one of my classes. I can't bring myself to tell them. They’ll be very disappointed in me. I’m not looking forward to their expression of this dissapointment.
Right out of high school, and for the first summer of going to college I worked at a cheese plant. I was on the packaging crew. We packaged these large “loafs” of cheese. I hated that job with a passion. When I was home last I hear that it closed. Somehow that’s comforting. It means I won’t ever have to work there again. That is really the only job that I could get if I lived in Beemer. My dad would often remind me to work hard in school because if I didn’t succeed I’d have no choice but to get a job there.
Yesterday I read through the last 100 posts of my blog. By only making posts about once a week 100 entries covers nearly two years. The 101th post prior to this one was posted on September 11th 2001. For quite a while I seemed to be doing ok. It seems that I always found something to discract myself from bad things. I was often under a lot of stress but, I wasn’t lost like I was this semester. I’ve always felt that it’s far better to know the truth reguardless of how painfull it is, rather than live in an illusion. Over the past few weeks I’m questioning that way of thinking. Would I be better off by some how living an illusion that everything in my life is good? Or that I have some kind all the things I do have meaning? Some how I have a bad feeling that would do more harm than good, or I won’t be able to successfully con myself into thinking differently. “To thyne own self be true” said the King of Denmak…. Though things would have been a lot less painfull for Hamlet if he’d just run away and pretended nothing was rotten in Denmark.
Right out of high school, and for the first summer of going to college I worked at a cheese plant. I was on the packaging crew. We packaged these large “loafs” of cheese. I hated that job with a passion. When I was home last I hear that it closed. Somehow that’s comforting. It means I won’t ever have to work there again. That is really the only job that I could get if I lived in Beemer. My dad would often remind me to work hard in school because if I didn’t succeed I’d have no choice but to get a job there.
Yesterday I read through the last 100 posts of my blog. By only making posts about once a week 100 entries covers nearly two years. The 101th post prior to this one was posted on September 11th 2001. For quite a while I seemed to be doing ok. It seems that I always found something to discract myself from bad things. I was often under a lot of stress but, I wasn’t lost like I was this semester. I’ve always felt that it’s far better to know the truth reguardless of how painfull it is, rather than live in an illusion. Over the past few weeks I’m questioning that way of thinking. Would I be better off by some how living an illusion that everything in my life is good? Or that I have some kind all the things I do have meaning? Some how I have a bad feeling that would do more harm than good, or I won’t be able to successfully con myself into thinking differently. “To thyne own self be true” said the King of Denmak…. Though things would have been a lot less painfull for Hamlet if he’d just run away and pretended nothing was rotten in Denmark.
April 22, 2003
Well, this is the first week after the first full moon after the vernal equinox. Last Sunday was Easter. I went home to celebrate with my family. Saturday I dyed eggs with my little brother. He had a good time. Those of you who may recall being younger and dying eggs with those coloring kits you can buy in stores, may recall a clear wax crayon for marking the eggs with whatever, it never works. You try to write your name or"Happy Easter" or whatever, but it never comes out right. My brother tried to draw a bunny but he had to tell me what it was. He and I discovered that a piece of tape works much better.
Saturday night we celebrated my parents' 25th Wedding anniversary. As I mentioned before my brother (the one that just turned 21) made all the arrangements. He told most of the people on the fire dept (My brother is on Beemer's volunteer fire dept. as well, I've never got around to mentioning that here) , and his girlfriends family... He didn't invite family because he didn't know where to draw the line and knew few people would be available on Easter weekend. He ran into a problem because he didn't tell our uncle who works with our dad and lives in Beemer. My brother got two kegs of beer for the evening. He "borrowed" the pickup to get them to the ballroom. My uncle saw him with the kegs and thought something odd was going on. My dad started chewing my brother out about having kegs, inquiring who they were for. That blew the surprise by a few hours. I knew very little about what was going on. My brother didn't bother to call or e-mail me so I really had nothing to do with any of it.
Sunday our next door neighbors invited us over to eat. They were having a Easter thing with their family but a lot of them bailed, so they had more than enough food. We were there for a couple hours. In the early evening my brother went to celebrate Easter with his girlfriend's extended family and the rest of us went to visit my grandparents. Their health has greatly declined since I last saw them. After we visited with them we went to their house and went through some things. We retrieved some documents for safe keeping, fearing that they will be destroyed by my greedy uncle. Last weekend was an interesting turn of events. My mom's oldest brother, who had just been on the sidelines in the past, has finally realized that they're all being screwed over by his brother. On Saturday we received a phone call from him and his eldest son. They're "on our side" now I guess. My mom's oldest brother is not the the brightest bulb on the tree, but he's not an idiot by any means. His biggest flaw is having a big heart. The point I'm getting at is that I don't think that his inability to see how things really were was not an indicator of his intelligence, but rather his blinding belief that someone in his family could be corrupt like that. My mom is most concerned with fulfilling her parents' original wishes and having things done as fairly as possible (fair of course not meant to imply equality, "equal" is very relative and varies on layers, especially when both fiscal and sentimental value are involved).
(for the sake of simplicity and anonymity I shall use the title "uncle G" and "Aunt B" for my uncle and aunt causing the conflicts. note this naming system is mostly arbitrary and may or may not be used in future posts on this blog.)
Ok, here's the skinny on the situation. Uncle G, the younger of my mom's two brothers has a greedy personality. It's his fatal flaw. I don't mean to imply that he's evil or anything but his natural drive to get ahead in the world is on steroids, and it seems he's willing to be less than honest in order to get what he has wanted for a long time. As the health of my grandfather declines and the legacy of his estate comes to question uncle G has been preoccupied with getting all he can. I don't care to go into a lot of detail but there are a few significant examples I wish to document. My grandfather's mother, owned and lived in a house in her later years. This house was inherited by my grandfather when she passed away. This house, and the house he owned and lived in was to go to his daughters, (with the farm going to the sons) To my grandfather it is important to keep that land under his family name. My grandfather has worked hard his whole life and built up a name and reputation. This is extremely valuable to him. I can't be sure but above all I feel that he wants that land to go to some one who cares that he was there and spend over 60 years of his live working it. The rich soil of northeast Nebraska was good to him, he took care of it, and it repaid him well. Anyway, somewhere along the line it was decided to sell my great-grandmother's house. Thanks to uncle G, plans were changed so that everything would be equal, thus meaning each child would get an equal cut from the sale of the house. Not a big deal thus far, however rather than locking the money into a high interest CD for a few years, uncle G took all the money and put it into the stock market. Then (as many of us predicted) we entered a recession. A significant amount of money was lost. This, among other things, has caused a rift within the family. Another example deals with items owned by my grandparents. My grandmother never threw anything away. There are an unknown number of items in their house of unknown values. These items include, but are not limited to, ordinary items (furniture, photographs, plates, glasses, appliances) and other items, items including ceramic duck bookends made in Japan, an ice cream scoop from the 1970's which has never been used. (the display card is still on it this item is in the basement with many many other things of all kinds). There is no telling if any of this stuff is valuable, I'm sure most of it is junk, and a lot of it has more sentimental value than auction value. The house has obviously been picked over by aunt B, who is siding with uncle G. (Aunt B always seemed to have something against my mom, but none of us know why but I guess that's a bit irrelevant in this case) Anyway, some things of obvious value are missing, such as a very large aerial photograph of the farm, which had been hanging in the living room. This is completely unfair that they are taking items out of the house while my grandparents are still alive. To fully understand the injustice of it all you need to know that uncle G and aunt B have been saying that everything MUST be auctioned off, if you want it that badly, buy it at the auction. This attitude is insane and goes against the wishes of my grandparents. I think the reason that they want everything to be auctioned is so that they get a piece of everything. This ordeal has brought much unneeded stress to my mom. It saddens her that she and her siblings can't divide things up in a civilized manner. We have resorted to retrieving things now. I helped my mom find some saucers in the kitchen before we left on Sunday. In the cupboard I saw a glass bottle of orange Gatorade, I'm not sure how old it was but the date on the label said 1988. This bottle had never been opened. The items that my mom retrieved had little value outside of sentiment. Some of the items, which are probably junk to others are priceless to my mom. My mom had a younger sister who I never mentioned before in this blog. She was two years younger than my mom, but sadly died about 23 years ago, a couple of months before I was born. She and my mom were extremely close, and the death was tragic. I don't have many details because this topic is somewhat taboo. (I don't dare bring it up with my mom, it's too painful for me to see her bring up those painful memories). As I understand it she died from a gun wound from her boyfriend's gun. .. Anyway, a couple of times my mom said "This used to belong to [sister]." or "[Sister] made this etc... "
We also looked around the house a bit.. I recall looking over my grandfather's workbench. In his retirement he made a great variety of wooden toys. In his garage and shelves I saw wooden wheels, and other half finished parts. An quilt rack that needs to be varnished, stick horses that need to be sanded, a box of wooden dowels untouched, rough prototypes of whatever he was working on next. It gave me a bit of an eerie feeling to see this half finished work. I know he didn't start working on something one day thinking it would be the last day he'd work with his tools.
Before we left to visit my grandparents I looked over my brother's girlfriend's family's computer. It's having video card driver issues of some kind. My brother thinks it's a hardware problem, but I know to take that with a grain of salt. I hooked it up, and saw nothing wrong with the machine. I shutdown and put the machine away, Just before I went back to Lincoln I had a chance to tell my brother that I saw nothing wrong with it. That's when he tells me that it gives him an error any time they try to play a game. Well Now, he tells me. The night before I asked him what it was doing and he said "it's a hardware problem, replace the card" jerk. I did have a spare card to put in there but I saw no reason to do so if I could resolve the issue some other way. It doesn't sound like a hardware problem to me though. What really bothers me is my brothers attitude. He doesn't know squat about these machines, but talks to me like I know less. I'm tempted to just sell him the spare video card and tell him to fix it himself.
As for myself, well I still feel really mixed up somehow. I don't feel like I really accomplished anything seeing a counselor last Wednesday but I think that's generally how things go. I will meet with her again tomorrow afternoon. I'm not sure how to describe how I'm feeling, but I'm feeling overwhelmed, foolish, and sorry for myself. I just want this semester to end. I want to get far away from a lot of things in my life right now and just be normal. I want to get a job that doesn't entirely suck, have normal sleeping habits, and friends. Above all I want to have goals that inspire me. Things seem so pointless right now. I think the best way that I can explain what's going on in my head is that I don't want to clean up after myself. I've gotten myself in a mess and I wish I could just dump a lot of it and move on. I feel like I'm drowning in my own inadequacies. Ok, this doesn't exactly describe things but it's close.
Saturday night we celebrated my parents' 25th Wedding anniversary. As I mentioned before my brother (the one that just turned 21) made all the arrangements. He told most of the people on the fire dept (My brother is on Beemer's volunteer fire dept. as well, I've never got around to mentioning that here) , and his girlfriends family... He didn't invite family because he didn't know where to draw the line and knew few people would be available on Easter weekend. He ran into a problem because he didn't tell our uncle who works with our dad and lives in Beemer. My brother got two kegs of beer for the evening. He "borrowed" the pickup to get them to the ballroom. My uncle saw him with the kegs and thought something odd was going on. My dad started chewing my brother out about having kegs, inquiring who they were for. That blew the surprise by a few hours. I knew very little about what was going on. My brother didn't bother to call or e-mail me so I really had nothing to do with any of it.
Sunday our next door neighbors invited us over to eat. They were having a Easter thing with their family but a lot of them bailed, so they had more than enough food. We were there for a couple hours. In the early evening my brother went to celebrate Easter with his girlfriend's extended family and the rest of us went to visit my grandparents. Their health has greatly declined since I last saw them. After we visited with them we went to their house and went through some things. We retrieved some documents for safe keeping, fearing that they will be destroyed by my greedy uncle. Last weekend was an interesting turn of events. My mom's oldest brother, who had just been on the sidelines in the past, has finally realized that they're all being screwed over by his brother. On Saturday we received a phone call from him and his eldest son. They're "on our side" now I guess. My mom's oldest brother is not the the brightest bulb on the tree, but he's not an idiot by any means. His biggest flaw is having a big heart. The point I'm getting at is that I don't think that his inability to see how things really were was not an indicator of his intelligence, but rather his blinding belief that someone in his family could be corrupt like that. My mom is most concerned with fulfilling her parents' original wishes and having things done as fairly as possible (fair of course not meant to imply equality, "equal" is very relative and varies on layers, especially when both fiscal and sentimental value are involved).
(for the sake of simplicity and anonymity I shall use the title "uncle G" and "Aunt B" for my uncle and aunt causing the conflicts. note this naming system is mostly arbitrary and may or may not be used in future posts on this blog.)
Ok, here's the skinny on the situation. Uncle G, the younger of my mom's two brothers has a greedy personality. It's his fatal flaw. I don't mean to imply that he's evil or anything but his natural drive to get ahead in the world is on steroids, and it seems he's willing to be less than honest in order to get what he has wanted for a long time. As the health of my grandfather declines and the legacy of his estate comes to question uncle G has been preoccupied with getting all he can. I don't care to go into a lot of detail but there are a few significant examples I wish to document. My grandfather's mother, owned and lived in a house in her later years. This house was inherited by my grandfather when she passed away. This house, and the house he owned and lived in was to go to his daughters, (with the farm going to the sons) To my grandfather it is important to keep that land under his family name. My grandfather has worked hard his whole life and built up a name and reputation. This is extremely valuable to him. I can't be sure but above all I feel that he wants that land to go to some one who cares that he was there and spend over 60 years of his live working it. The rich soil of northeast Nebraska was good to him, he took care of it, and it repaid him well. Anyway, somewhere along the line it was decided to sell my great-grandmother's house. Thanks to uncle G, plans were changed so that everything would be equal, thus meaning each child would get an equal cut from the sale of the house. Not a big deal thus far, however rather than locking the money into a high interest CD for a few years, uncle G took all the money and put it into the stock market. Then (as many of us predicted) we entered a recession. A significant amount of money was lost. This, among other things, has caused a rift within the family. Another example deals with items owned by my grandparents. My grandmother never threw anything away. There are an unknown number of items in their house of unknown values. These items include, but are not limited to, ordinary items (furniture, photographs, plates, glasses, appliances) and other items, items including ceramic duck bookends made in Japan, an ice cream scoop from the 1970's which has never been used. (the display card is still on it this item is in the basement with many many other things of all kinds). There is no telling if any of this stuff is valuable, I'm sure most of it is junk, and a lot of it has more sentimental value than auction value. The house has obviously been picked over by aunt B, who is siding with uncle G. (Aunt B always seemed to have something against my mom, but none of us know why but I guess that's a bit irrelevant in this case) Anyway, some things of obvious value are missing, such as a very large aerial photograph of the farm, which had been hanging in the living room. This is completely unfair that they are taking items out of the house while my grandparents are still alive. To fully understand the injustice of it all you need to know that uncle G and aunt B have been saying that everything MUST be auctioned off, if you want it that badly, buy it at the auction. This attitude is insane and goes against the wishes of my grandparents. I think the reason that they want everything to be auctioned is so that they get a piece of everything. This ordeal has brought much unneeded stress to my mom. It saddens her that she and her siblings can't divide things up in a civilized manner. We have resorted to retrieving things now. I helped my mom find some saucers in the kitchen before we left on Sunday. In the cupboard I saw a glass bottle of orange Gatorade, I'm not sure how old it was but the date on the label said 1988. This bottle had never been opened. The items that my mom retrieved had little value outside of sentiment. Some of the items, which are probably junk to others are priceless to my mom. My mom had a younger sister who I never mentioned before in this blog. She was two years younger than my mom, but sadly died about 23 years ago, a couple of months before I was born. She and my mom were extremely close, and the death was tragic. I don't have many details because this topic is somewhat taboo. (I don't dare bring it up with my mom, it's too painful for me to see her bring up those painful memories). As I understand it she died from a gun wound from her boyfriend's gun. .. Anyway, a couple of times my mom said "This used to belong to [sister]." or "[Sister] made this etc... "
We also looked around the house a bit.. I recall looking over my grandfather's workbench. In his retirement he made a great variety of wooden toys. In his garage and shelves I saw wooden wheels, and other half finished parts. An quilt rack that needs to be varnished, stick horses that need to be sanded, a box of wooden dowels untouched, rough prototypes of whatever he was working on next. It gave me a bit of an eerie feeling to see this half finished work. I know he didn't start working on something one day thinking it would be the last day he'd work with his tools.
Before we left to visit my grandparents I looked over my brother's girlfriend's family's computer. It's having video card driver issues of some kind. My brother thinks it's a hardware problem, but I know to take that with a grain of salt. I hooked it up, and saw nothing wrong with the machine. I shutdown and put the machine away, Just before I went back to Lincoln I had a chance to tell my brother that I saw nothing wrong with it. That's when he tells me that it gives him an error any time they try to play a game. Well Now, he tells me. The night before I asked him what it was doing and he said "it's a hardware problem, replace the card" jerk. I did have a spare card to put in there but I saw no reason to do so if I could resolve the issue some other way. It doesn't sound like a hardware problem to me though. What really bothers me is my brothers attitude. He doesn't know squat about these machines, but talks to me like I know less. I'm tempted to just sell him the spare video card and tell him to fix it himself.
As for myself, well I still feel really mixed up somehow. I don't feel like I really accomplished anything seeing a counselor last Wednesday but I think that's generally how things go. I will meet with her again tomorrow afternoon. I'm not sure how to describe how I'm feeling, but I'm feeling overwhelmed, foolish, and sorry for myself. I just want this semester to end. I want to get far away from a lot of things in my life right now and just be normal. I want to get a job that doesn't entirely suck, have normal sleeping habits, and friends. Above all I want to have goals that inspire me. Things seem so pointless right now. I think the best way that I can explain what's going on in my head is that I don't want to clean up after myself. I've gotten myself in a mess and I wish I could just dump a lot of it and move on. I feel like I'm drowning in my own inadequacies. Ok, this doesn't exactly describe things but it's close.
April 15, 2003
My life is a "fixer-upper"
For the past weeks I have been... .. I have been .. in a state unlike any mental condition I have been in before.. I was unable to function. I failed to accomplish simple things like reading assignments, sleeping and as much as I hate to admit it, behavior required for good personal hygiene. I didn't care, ... or maybe I did.. I'm not sure .. Why is it that when I begin to come out of one of these states the logic (or lack thereof) is very fuzzy to me. I remember little of what it was like. I feel very lost and disoriented. not really sure what I must do right now.... but I do see that I have a lot of work to do. I'm a bit daunted... I have to keep in the mind set that I have a lot of work to do and I have to get it done now...
"White heat is screaming in the jungle
Complete the motion if you stumble
Go ask the dust for any answers
Come back strong with 50 belly dancers "
When I become the illogical and lazy person I've been.... I live on a path of destruction. Tomorrow, immediately after class I will see a professional. It doesn't cost me anything. I get 3 free visits because I paid a health center fee with tuition. I made the appointment Tuesday of last week, this was the earliest I could get in. I'm not sure what I expect to accomplish. I'll sit down with this person and then what?! I have heard it all before.. My friends have told me many wise things (many of those things were somewhere in my brain already) but I don't even want to hear it!. I shield myself away from it. One very intelligent friend of mine told me some things about a week ago, she encouraged me to visit with a counselor.
- You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.
- One reason so few of us achieve what we truly want is that we never direct our focus; we never concentrate our power. Most people dabble their way through life, never deciding to master anything in particular.
- People are not lazy. They simply have impotent goals -- that is, goals that do not inspire them.
I've heard this as well as other bits of wisdom... though I was in a peculiar state of thinking I was aware of some things.. One thing I was aware of was that I did not belive a lot of the stuff that was being sent to me. I wanted to badly. I knew some one was right.. I knew that ultimately all of this is up to me, but for some odd reason it didn't have any meaning.. I felt sorry for myself or something. I was also feeling angry with myself in a weird way.
"so doctor doctor
won't you please prescribe me something
a day in a life of someone else....
...i'm my own worst enemy
it's bad when you anoy yourself
so irritating
don't wanna be my friend no more
I want to be somebody else"
I just wanted to escape... I still want to escape.. but right now .. now that I'm "awake" I think I need to use what I have.... hmm I suppose things will be ok.. after all this is what I've always been good at. Making things out of almost nothing... using what is available to me in innovative ways which produce results previously unimaginable. Building myself into the person I should be will be my largest, and most difficult project ever.
One of the main things I want to accomplish when I see a professional is how do I prevent myself from going to "that place" Over the past weeks I have replayed much of my life in my mind... mostly from the 7th grade on. When I feel many of my current issues began. It's mostly coincidence that they stemmed all at once.. though I don't think I belive in coincidence anymore. There is a greater force at work here.. now... what is it that I was to learn from all this!? My life has a purpose... but I have no freaking idea what that is.... Interesting that I say that because the underlying problem with my condition is that I don't feel as if I have a purpose.. at least not one that warrants the space and resources I take up.
"But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me"
" I know my apprehensions might never be allayed, and so I close realizing that perhaps the ending has not yet been written."
*** the italicized text are song lyrics... the bold text is direct quote from my friend. and the last quote is spoken.. gold star if you can tell where it's from.
For the past weeks I have been... .. I have been .. in a state unlike any mental condition I have been in before.. I was unable to function. I failed to accomplish simple things like reading assignments, sleeping and as much as I hate to admit it, behavior required for good personal hygiene. I didn't care, ... or maybe I did.. I'm not sure .. Why is it that when I begin to come out of one of these states the logic (or lack thereof) is very fuzzy to me. I remember little of what it was like. I feel very lost and disoriented. not really sure what I must do right now.... but I do see that I have a lot of work to do. I'm a bit daunted... I have to keep in the mind set that I have a lot of work to do and I have to get it done now...
"White heat is screaming in the jungle
Complete the motion if you stumble
Go ask the dust for any answers
Come back strong with 50 belly dancers "
When I become the illogical and lazy person I've been.... I live on a path of destruction. Tomorrow, immediately after class I will see a professional. It doesn't cost me anything. I get 3 free visits because I paid a health center fee with tuition. I made the appointment Tuesday of last week, this was the earliest I could get in. I'm not sure what I expect to accomplish. I'll sit down with this person and then what?! I have heard it all before.. My friends have told me many wise things (many of those things were somewhere in my brain already) but I don't even want to hear it!. I shield myself away from it. One very intelligent friend of mine told me some things about a week ago, she encouraged me to visit with a counselor.
- You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.
- One reason so few of us achieve what we truly want is that we never direct our focus; we never concentrate our power. Most people dabble their way through life, never deciding to master anything in particular.
- People are not lazy. They simply have impotent goals -- that is, goals that do not inspire them.
I've heard this as well as other bits of wisdom... though I was in a peculiar state of thinking I was aware of some things.. One thing I was aware of was that I did not belive a lot of the stuff that was being sent to me. I wanted to badly. I knew some one was right.. I knew that ultimately all of this is up to me, but for some odd reason it didn't have any meaning.. I felt sorry for myself or something. I was also feeling angry with myself in a weird way.
"so doctor doctor
won't you please prescribe me something
a day in a life of someone else....
...i'm my own worst enemy
it's bad when you anoy yourself
so irritating
don't wanna be my friend no more
I want to be somebody else"
I just wanted to escape... I still want to escape.. but right now .. now that I'm "awake" I think I need to use what I have.... hmm I suppose things will be ok.. after all this is what I've always been good at. Making things out of almost nothing... using what is available to me in innovative ways which produce results previously unimaginable. Building myself into the person I should be will be my largest, and most difficult project ever.
One of the main things I want to accomplish when I see a professional is how do I prevent myself from going to "that place" Over the past weeks I have replayed much of my life in my mind... mostly from the 7th grade on. When I feel many of my current issues began. It's mostly coincidence that they stemmed all at once.. though I don't think I belive in coincidence anymore. There is a greater force at work here.. now... what is it that I was to learn from all this!? My life has a purpose... but I have no freaking idea what that is.... Interesting that I say that because the underlying problem with my condition is that I don't feel as if I have a purpose.. at least not one that warrants the space and resources I take up.
"But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me"
" I know my apprehensions might never be allayed, and so I close realizing that perhaps the ending has not yet been written."
*** the italicized text are song lyrics... the bold text is direct quote from my friend. and the last quote is spoken.. gold star if you can tell where it's from.
