November 17, 2003
Whenever I feel that I've made an error, I ask myself 'What lesson is to be learned here?'. After some carefull thought this weekend I have come to the conclusion that things were not all taht they had seemed. And although I'll never know the whole truth, I know enough that I must seperate myself from oppertunities for further mental anguish.
Yes, I'm moving on. I don't feel that I made any mistakes, per se. However, things did not go as I would have imagined, and I clearly don't want to end up in a similar situation again. In the past I have caught myself making the same mistakes over and over again. This is primarily why I try to define a spedific lesson in life that I should learn. If I identify issues, I can go about correcting them. There is an old quote about making mistakes.. I don't recall it exactly but it was something about the greatest mistake in life we can make is refusing to learn from all the other mistakes. I did a quick serch on google to see if I could find it and I instead found a couple of others that were interesting. Aparently there is a Jewish proverb that says there are no mistakes, only lessons. There is also this one
"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."
I think I agree. What good is life spent wary of doing the wrong thing. Now, if you're still reading this you may be wondering where I'm going with this. Well the fact of the matter is that I have no lesson to learn in this case. In a series of events I thought I had stumbled across something amazing and wonderful. It later turned out that things were not quite what they seemed. I suffered some heartbreak, confusion and anger. And now, dissapointment. I feel dissapointed because I don't know what went wrong and I don't know how I can improve myself as a result of how things turned out. The old saying "If it seems to good to be true, it probably is" comes to mind. However, If I take that to heart, I will disallow anything good from ever happening to me. It has just occured to me that perhaps I'm looking at it the wrong way. Up untill just now I've considered this turn of events a bad thing. Maybe it wasn't.. but I'm not yet convinced that this whole experience was more good than bad.
Here's a run down of Fj's vital stats.
As you all are aware.. I'm still taking test medication. This past week my mood and emotions have been fluctuating. I hate it I hate it I hate it. My biggest worry is that I'm actually taking a placebo. I've really got problems if that's the case. I'd let you know how I'm feeling if it ever stays the same for more than an hour or two.
Yes, I'm moving on. I don't feel that I made any mistakes, per se. However, things did not go as I would have imagined, and I clearly don't want to end up in a similar situation again. In the past I have caught myself making the same mistakes over and over again. This is primarily why I try to define a spedific lesson in life that I should learn. If I identify issues, I can go about correcting them. There is an old quote about making mistakes.. I don't recall it exactly but it was something about the greatest mistake in life we can make is refusing to learn from all the other mistakes. I did a quick serch on google to see if I could find it and I instead found a couple of others that were interesting. Aparently there is a Jewish proverb that says there are no mistakes, only lessons. There is also this one
"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."
I think I agree. What good is life spent wary of doing the wrong thing. Now, if you're still reading this you may be wondering where I'm going with this. Well the fact of the matter is that I have no lesson to learn in this case. In a series of events I thought I had stumbled across something amazing and wonderful. It later turned out that things were not quite what they seemed. I suffered some heartbreak, confusion and anger. And now, dissapointment. I feel dissapointed because I don't know what went wrong and I don't know how I can improve myself as a result of how things turned out. The old saying "If it seems to good to be true, it probably is" comes to mind. However, If I take that to heart, I will disallow anything good from ever happening to me. It has just occured to me that perhaps I'm looking at it the wrong way. Up untill just now I've considered this turn of events a bad thing. Maybe it wasn't.. but I'm not yet convinced that this whole experience was more good than bad.
Here's a run down of Fj's vital stats.
As you all are aware.. I'm still taking test medication. This past week my mood and emotions have been fluctuating. I hate it I hate it I hate it. My biggest worry is that I'm actually taking a placebo. I've really got problems if that's the case. I'd let you know how I'm feeling if it ever stays the same for more than an hour or two.
November 08, 2003
The price you pay.
All things come at a price. All things worth having are worth going after. Nothing is isolated.. you cannot change without changing the world around you. (think about it)
At this point in time I regret nothing. The two biggest things in my life right now. or at least my recent past, are that I met a special young woman, and I started participating in a research study for a new anti-depressant. Both have been on my mind. Neither is working out as I imagined.. or hoped.. but I think both will work out for the best. Again I have no choice but to take a deep breath and trust that God will lead me through all of this. I fell like I'm growing right now... (not physically) .. growing up is never easy. I trust that I will emerge a better person though.
As I mentioned in the previous post I feel like I'm engulfed in emotions and emotional strangeness. For the first time in my life I've hit extremes within a span of 3 days. I'm confused myself and no doubt confusing the hell out of those around me. Deep in the core is still the original FJ... I have just discovered the advantage to being painfully blunt, and insensitive. Even though I may be all mixed up as far as emotions go, I'm still honest and open. If something hurts my feelings, or seems to or even if I say it does... please please please disregard it. Even right now my emotions are fluctuating. I feel like I'm a little guy driving a 400lb fleshly battlemech. (think mech warrier video games or that ambassador guy from Men in Black) I'm the same guy I always was!! but somebody's been screwing with the controls. As you can imagine, frustration is one feeling that keeps hitting me.
To all those who read this.. especially friends: bear with me these few weeks.. I'm in search of myself and hot on the trail .. I'm finding I'm not exactly the same person I was 6 months ago... I won't be exactly the same person 6 months from now. FJ is still under remodeling.
At this point in time I regret nothing. The two biggest things in my life right now. or at least my recent past, are that I met a special young woman, and I started participating in a research study for a new anti-depressant. Both have been on my mind. Neither is working out as I imagined.. or hoped.. but I think both will work out for the best. Again I have no choice but to take a deep breath and trust that God will lead me through all of this. I fell like I'm growing right now... (not physically) .. growing up is never easy. I trust that I will emerge a better person though.
As I mentioned in the previous post I feel like I'm engulfed in emotions and emotional strangeness. For the first time in my life I've hit extremes within a span of 3 days. I'm confused myself and no doubt confusing the hell out of those around me. Deep in the core is still the original FJ... I have just discovered the advantage to being painfully blunt, and insensitive. Even though I may be all mixed up as far as emotions go, I'm still honest and open. If something hurts my feelings, or seems to or even if I say it does... please please please disregard it. Even right now my emotions are fluctuating. I feel like I'm a little guy driving a 400lb fleshly battlemech. (think mech warrier video games or that ambassador guy from Men in Black) I'm the same guy I always was!! but somebody's been screwing with the controls. As you can imagine, frustration is one feeling that keeps hitting me.
To all those who read this.. especially friends: bear with me these few weeks.. I'm in search of myself and hot on the trail .. I'm finding I'm not exactly the same person I was 6 months ago... I won't be exactly the same person 6 months from now. FJ is still under remodeling.
November 07, 2003
Dynamic volatile Mysterious
For those who are wondering, the domain name expired. I renewed it and everything should be working soon. Obviously, if you're reading this, it's all working again.
I went on a road trip this week. I left Sunday morning and drove to see a friend in southern Kansas. A female friend, a very pretty and sweet female friend. Over all I had a good time. Although we are friends, (nothing romantic for now it seems) , I'm very fortunate to have met her. She has raised my standards exponentially. We moved things very fast and we both need to take a step back and look at the big picture. I must admit I'm a bit confused. I know I have stumbled across something amazing, something worth a great deal of thought. I have found a new friend. I'm gratefully for that. Perhaps the friendship will develop into something more. If it doesn't, I know I'm still blessed to have met this person.
As for myself I'm less doubtfull that I'm taking a placebo. I have been hyper sensitive to things. When I get tired it gets worse. It goes both ways.. A good thing can really lift me up. A bad thing can really make me anxious. As I type this I'm feeling a bit odd. I need sleep. I didn't get much sleep last night. I feel restless right now... I'm not depressed.. but.. I can tell you right now, I'm not happy either. I need to dig deep down and find myself. Yesterday I thought "Who am I". "what kind of person am I?" I'm not really sure right at this moment. I have had what appear to be side effects from the test medication I've been taking. However, let it be known that in the last few weeks I have felt things in my heart that I know are real , that I know came from myself. Some of them started before I began the research study. I feel like I'm down, inside a cloud of garbled emotions... I'm still here, somewhere, If it is the medication that's making me this way, I am confident that I have learned many things about myself and the world around me.
I think this is all I'll write at this time... I'm feeling a lot of different things, time to take a shower and think about getting some sleep.
I went on a road trip this week. I left Sunday morning and drove to see a friend in southern Kansas. A female friend, a very pretty and sweet female friend. Over all I had a good time. Although we are friends, (nothing romantic for now it seems) , I'm very fortunate to have met her. She has raised my standards exponentially. We moved things very fast and we both need to take a step back and look at the big picture. I must admit I'm a bit confused. I know I have stumbled across something amazing, something worth a great deal of thought. I have found a new friend. I'm gratefully for that. Perhaps the friendship will develop into something more. If it doesn't, I know I'm still blessed to have met this person.
As for myself I'm less doubtfull that I'm taking a placebo. I have been hyper sensitive to things. When I get tired it gets worse. It goes both ways.. A good thing can really lift me up. A bad thing can really make me anxious. As I type this I'm feeling a bit odd. I need sleep. I didn't get much sleep last night. I feel restless right now... I'm not depressed.. but.. I can tell you right now, I'm not happy either. I need to dig deep down and find myself. Yesterday I thought "Who am I". "what kind of person am I?" I'm not really sure right at this moment. I have had what appear to be side effects from the test medication I've been taking. However, let it be known that in the last few weeks I have felt things in my heart that I know are real , that I know came from myself. Some of them started before I began the research study. I feel like I'm down, inside a cloud of garbled emotions... I'm still here, somewhere, If it is the medication that's making me this way, I am confident that I have learned many things about myself and the world around me.
I think this is all I'll write at this time... I'm feeling a lot of different things, time to take a shower and think about getting some sleep.
