FJ Blog

I thought that 2003 needed one more post. since the last time I posted to my blog many things have progressed. As of last week I'm off test medication, I could have been getting the placebo but I doubt it. I've discontinued because I diddn't feel that they were working for me. I had a couple weeks of feeling numb and functional but then I had a whole week of being below functional.... I'm not really sure what's going on with me right now. It took me a long time to realize that what I seem to have is what they call depression. I'm not sure if I feel worse because I'm depressed or because I'm convinced I have a new condition that I have no controll over.... either way it's not fun. One interesting thing I discovered is that there are other symptoms besides feeling like crap that go along with depression. I recall thinking "oh that's convienient" several times as I learned the other symptoms. Ever learn someting new and think to yourself "Oh that would explain....." ? It can be an odd feeling. My goal has been to get myself back to normal. However a couple weeks ago I realized that I have been away from normal for so long I honestly don't think I'd know normal when I saw it. I don't really have an expectation of normal anymore. How can I get to a desitnation if I won't recognise it when I'm there? I guess I'll have to take some one's word for it... I'm reminded of a particualr The Far Side cartoon by Gary Larson: in it are two elephants standing in a bog or swamp, one of them is holding what appares to be a map. and the caption reads: "Well it dosn't look like it, but according to this, here is where we're supposed to die." (I may have messed up the caption.. I'm paraphrasing from memory)

Also since my last post I had a birthday. I'm older.. I guess... It's now that much more pathetic that I'm still living at home.

About 2 weeks ago I took and passed the A+ Exams. I am now an A+ certified comptuer technician. It's a good feeling. Instead of saying "just trust me" I can say; "Well, I am A+ certified." Hopefully this will help me land a job. then I can move out of Beemer and get a reliable high speed internet connection. I'm not sure what is driving me more insane. actually living with my parents or having to deal with lousy dialup that i'm not allowed to use durring certian times of the day. My mom has skewed viewpoinnts of the world some times. I've been waiting on e-mails so that I know what I'm gonna do tonight to celebrate the new year... I check my e-mail and after I'm done my mom asks: "Are you done with the internet now?" Not really sure what she means I try to guess. and say " well I'm gonna check my mail again in about half an hour" Then I explain what I'm waiting for... my mom seems to hate the fact that using the internet also uses the phone line. She dosn't use the internet herself.. at least not directly. I'm reminded of something she said almost 2 years ago: "So you've been going to college for 4 years now, this means your going to graduate pretty soon, right?" Many of you may now be getting a feeling of what's driving me insane.... though from what I gather it seems every one's family is nuts.

Well tonight I'm going out... for the first new years eve in 3 years... welll even longer depending on how you look at it. Going to a thing in Omaha is sure gonna beat watching the tape delay countdown on Late Night with Conan O'brian.