January 19, 2004
That's Mr. cog to you.
Normally when my blog sees great spans of neglect, it means I'm in a state of low function. This past half-month that has not been the case. It is very difficult to get out a good blog post when I'm on a not-very-reliable dialup connection. There is only one phone line in this house, and we don't have any system to alert us if some one is trying to call while we're online. Callwave or a service like isn't worth the money, we don't have call waiting either and honestly, I hate call waiting.. so hmm.... I was going to say I wish we had call waiting so we could use one of those boxes that "pauses" your online connection and lets the phone ring. I wonder how many people have their DUN settings to turn on call waiting when they dial up to the internet. Only so that they can use a call waiting compatible modem or something. That's the way I'd do it .. of course when I get my own place I won't have a POTS phone, let alone dialup. Well, what started out as a explanation for my absence, turned into a near rant about phone technology.
For those of you wondering.... my mental state has been floating around functional for the past 3 weeks. Now that I've convinced myself that I do have depression in some form or another, small pieces seem to fall into place. The big question ("Just what do I do about all this?!") still remains. I just want to be "myself" again but.... it occurred to me that I haven't been myself for so long, I don't know if I have a "self" to change back to. As I type this and try to explain it to you, the reader, it occurs to me that perhaps that's good. Perhaps it's a plus that I have no "normal" template to revert back to. This would be a plus only if I now have the potential to create a new persona from scratch. Sounds like a lot of work. I don't think I know enough about how people work to build my own "new self" This is like trying to build a car without ever seeing what's under a hood before. If I want to take an analogy a step further... I'm sure that once I'm done I'm going to have an extra part or bolt or screw lying around that belongs somewhere. To summarize.. I don't know what my goal is. Perhaps this is why I haven't gotten there yet.
I've also asked myself "who am I" This question comes from the "be myself" stuff. When I was driving to Omaha on new year's eve It occurred to me. I am merely a cog in a huge system of perpetual maintenance. I fix a computer so that others can do their jobs so that others can get stuff they need to get stuff done. my purpose in life seems to be to fix systems which allow much larger systems to operate. the more I thought about it the more I extrapolated outward, and you finally get to society, humankind as a whole. And I wonder... what, other than more humans, does our society actually produce? Reproduction itself is just a mechanism of maintenance. Eventually I'll wear out (and die) and be replaced. See? I'm just a cog, a part. Do I serve a purpose? of course. Am I replaceable? You bet. That night and several times since then I've wondered.. what does this big machine, which we call Earth, (or if you want the whole universe .. we do need the sun after all.) produce? Right now I'm running different machine ideas in my head. Everything I can think of does something.. I thought of cars.. I thought of microwave ovens, and thing I thought of those little things people have on their desks. Little balancing pieces of metal.. some times magnetic... drinking birds, things of that sort. Hmm... If the earth is a desk top novelty, I don't know why I bothered getting out of bed. I'm obviously missing something in my thought process here.
Some of you by now are thinking "Gee, FJ that's not a very positive way to look at things." No, it's not. The more I try to understand how I'm actually feeling the more I discover. I have yet to discover anything that leads me to something different. As I mentioned before I'm not sure I'll know normal when I reach it. Right now I'm just bouncing from one endorphine rush to the next. (natural ones mind you, I haven't taken any mood enhancing drugs) One recent discovery is that, these little peaks are the only thing that keep me going. They mask the other feelings and I mistake it all for motivation. This not only explains recent feelings of motivation but also explains why I failed to find any a few months ago when I really could have used some. I'm doubtful that this is normal. I don't see how so many people could do it. .. I hope I'm not just a wimp.
For those of you wondering.... my mental state has been floating around functional for the past 3 weeks. Now that I've convinced myself that I do have depression in some form or another, small pieces seem to fall into place. The big question ("Just what do I do about all this?!") still remains. I just want to be "myself" again but.... it occurred to me that I haven't been myself for so long, I don't know if I have a "self" to change back to. As I type this and try to explain it to you, the reader, it occurs to me that perhaps that's good. Perhaps it's a plus that I have no "normal" template to revert back to. This would be a plus only if I now have the potential to create a new persona from scratch. Sounds like a lot of work. I don't think I know enough about how people work to build my own "new self" This is like trying to build a car without ever seeing what's under a hood before. If I want to take an analogy a step further... I'm sure that once I'm done I'm going to have an extra part or bolt or screw lying around that belongs somewhere. To summarize.. I don't know what my goal is. Perhaps this is why I haven't gotten there yet.
I've also asked myself "who am I" This question comes from the "be myself" stuff. When I was driving to Omaha on new year's eve It occurred to me. I am merely a cog in a huge system of perpetual maintenance. I fix a computer so that others can do their jobs so that others can get stuff they need to get stuff done. my purpose in life seems to be to fix systems which allow much larger systems to operate. the more I thought about it the more I extrapolated outward, and you finally get to society, humankind as a whole. And I wonder... what, other than more humans, does our society actually produce? Reproduction itself is just a mechanism of maintenance. Eventually I'll wear out (and die) and be replaced. See? I'm just a cog, a part. Do I serve a purpose? of course. Am I replaceable? You bet. That night and several times since then I've wondered.. what does this big machine, which we call Earth, (or if you want the whole universe .. we do need the sun after all.) produce? Right now I'm running different machine ideas in my head. Everything I can think of does something.. I thought of cars.. I thought of microwave ovens, and thing I thought of those little things people have on their desks. Little balancing pieces of metal.. some times magnetic... drinking birds, things of that sort. Hmm... If the earth is a desk top novelty, I don't know why I bothered getting out of bed. I'm obviously missing something in my thought process here.
Some of you by now are thinking "Gee, FJ that's not a very positive way to look at things." No, it's not. The more I try to understand how I'm actually feeling the more I discover. I have yet to discover anything that leads me to something different. As I mentioned before I'm not sure I'll know normal when I reach it. Right now I'm just bouncing from one endorphine rush to the next. (natural ones mind you, I haven't taken any mood enhancing drugs) One recent discovery is that, these little peaks are the only thing that keep me going. They mask the other feelings and I mistake it all for motivation. This not only explains recent feelings of motivation but also explains why I failed to find any a few months ago when I really could have used some. I'm doubtful that this is normal. I don't see how so many people could do it. .. I hope I'm not just a wimp.
